Just Breathe

Ahhh where to start. I'm just really down right now and need to get all this crap off my chest/and out of my head so I can go about, enjoying my life.

Thing 1.

I'm having a hard time staying up with my bills because I am not getting paid as I am supposed to, which sucks and is stressing me out like a lot.

Thing 2.

I'm pretty much heartbroken about moving back home. I'm basically going to lose all my freedoms that I've gained over the past few years and that's a really hard pill to swallow. In the long run, I know that this is probably the best and smartest move for me to make, but it still sucks. I And I swear on EVERYTHING, I will be out of my parents' house by next summer if it kills me.

I also need to get my car fixed if I plan on staying here, which bothers me badly because I know I won't have the money and now I don't know what to do. In my head worst case scenario is that I get a sublet apartment while I finish school and then go from there.

Thing 3.

I don't want to take Virginia to the Incubus concert and I don't know how to tell her without getting my face broken.


Thing 4.

I'm terrified that me moving home is going to make Ben want to break up with me and I would be, to say the least, very upset if I lost him. He is one of the best things to happen to me in a VERY long time and I just hope he and I can make it through and be happy together.



All that aside, I'm excited for Incubus this weekend, my birthday and going to Chicago for my birthday!

I'm feeling slightly better than my last post. Yes, my family went to the Bahamas without me and I'm still angry with them about it, but I can't change it. I still feel like I'm the unwanted step-child in my family and probably always will, so whatever. It is what it is.

I'm dating this guy who is really great. We met through friends at a bar one night and just started hanging out and it evolved quickly. And he rocks.

Now I'm concerned becuase I think I'm starting to develop some legit feelings towards him and this worries me. I just don't want to get hurt again. I don't really feel like I'm good enough to be with him and I feel really lucky and just sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. I just feel like I have nothing to bring to the relationship and I'm afraid he's going to think the same thing. I guess there are worse problems to have and I should just focus on being happy.

So I've been feeling a little depressed lately. I think a lot of it is just not having a life game plan right now. I mean I have one, but it's super vague and whatever. I just feel like I've been busting my ass just to get by and it's not cool.
My family went to the Bahamas without me which made me feel great. I already felt like I wasn't a part of this family so that made me feel super awesome with myself.

I do have a boyfriend though who is really great. He makes me happy and we have fun together.

Well I can't say things are much better. I mean they are regarding the things I wrote about last time. I am not pregnant, which is clearly good. I also quit Subway, which in itself made me feel a hundred times better about everything. My internship is going well, which is good. They've given me my first feature article to write and I'm stressed about it, but excited as well.

The thing I'm pissed about is myself. I've reverted to exactly where I was a year ago. A year ago I was the girl who freaks out if a guy didn't call or text her back. I was the girl always wondering and getting hurt by guys who dangled shit in from of my face and made me ram myself into a big glass window. It sucked. Over the year I've grown to not care about guys and whether or not they called or whatever.

Well I met a guy a few weeks ago and we met up for the first time last week. It was cool. We went to a bar, he bought us some drinks, made good with my roomate and then came back to watch a movie at my place. Nothing happened...he left after the movie and he hugged me and all that. Two days later we hung out again and I ended up falling asleep at his house and whatever. He asked me if I wanted to come to his softball game that weekend. I said I would if I could. The day of the game I told him I wasn't going to be able to make it, but I hoped he would have fun and wished him good luck. I haven't heard from him since, and it's confusing the hell out of me. I just don't fucking get it and it's depressing the fuck out of me.

Yeah..About That...

Wow...this week hs been a clusterfuck of bad. Bad, bad, bad. It started with the hyping up of my party, Boats n Hoes. I was so excited and so many of my friends were slated to come. So party day rolls around. Many of my roomate, Melissa's friends are coming, which is fine because its the more the merrier and we had plenty of alcohol to go around. So yeah. Party time comes and most people who said they were coming bailed, which sucked, but quite a few people came, and it was still okay becuase I was having a good time. One of Melissa's friends, named Tyler, came to the party too. We started hitting it off/flirting/drinking together, which just isn't a good combo by any stretch of the imagination. Well we ended sleeping together, which was fine and fun and whatever. But because I was intoxicated I wasn't 100% all precautionary measures took place. So out of precaution, I bought that Plan B pill, which is supposed to prevent pregnancy, so I'm a little bit of a lot of freaked out about that. Plus I am really disappointed in myself because I've never put myself in that kind of situation and I totally know better. So there was a lesson learned, but it still sucked and I'm freaking out and all that business...No good.

Secondly, I'm quitting Subway. I literally am done there. I don't feel safe there, I feel like there's a lot of shady business that goes on there, and I don't want any part of it. It's just stupid and not worth it. I work way too hard for barely any pay and I can't handle it.

I'm just hoping things turn around. I'm really freaking out about all of it and it sucks. Other than that classes seem to be going well and my internship isn't bad either. I just need to push through all the bullshit. I'm back to where I was this fall and that was the worst feeling ever. It makes me feel like I want to die. I'm tired, fed up, and done with this all.

Literally

It's literally amazing the transition a person can make in a year. This is one of the years where I really 'found myself.' Previous to this period of time, I'd always thought of the idea of finding oneself a bullshit excuse to get away with doing a bunch of stupid crap and emancipating yourself from any and every responsibility one has. And maybe that is the case for others who are actively searching for themselves, which I still think is a crazy and untangible concept. How will backpacking through Europe with 5 dollars in your pocket help you understand yourself? I don't get it. Anyway, back to more important things....

A little over a year ago I got involved with a guy who I thought was cool and was the first guy I had a genuine interest in in quite sometime. The whole thing ended up being me thinking this guy was into me and wanting to start a relationship with me, when all he wanted was someone to keep the other side of his bed warm at night. However during the course of the, for the lack of a better term, relationship, I freaked out if he didn't text me or call me once a day. I sent myself through this ridiculous cycle of he likes me, he doesn't like me. I'd generally been that way with most every guy I'd been with, with one exception, but this guy was the exception to everything about me.

Anyway, I really have no regrets about the whole situation because it essentially set off my most interesting year ever. After this guy I made a series of mistakes of men, fooling myself into thinking each of these guys liked me, when in fact none of them were interested in anything other than a physical relationship. The last guy I was with, I honestly wasn't even that attracted to, I just liked that we had some things in common, but it was clear that there wouldn't be anything concrete that came from the relationship.

And about the time we stopped talking, I ran into some hard core financial issues, and went into a major state of depression. Everything was just flying out the window all at the same time, and I couldn't handle it. I really wanted to die.

I read a book a month or so ago called, He's Just Not That Into You. Literally that book opened up my eyes to so much about guys. I don't care if the whole thing wasn't true, it literally made me feel so much better about myself. It also made me realize I'm just fine being on my own and single. I've since met a few different guys, but none of them have had the appeal that I want. For instance, I want a guy who will want me and care for me in a way no one else has. I want this person to love me for exactly what I am. And I haven't found that yet. I don't know if I hold my expectations too high. I might also think I may just be numb to the idea of being with someone right now, because I've been treated so poorly the past year. I don't know what it is, but this is the first time that I can say I'm honestly content to be single. Not to say I don't get sad when I'm out with friends and they get hit on or whatever and I don't. It still sucks, but then I remember that none of these guys are good enough for me or are what I want them to be, so it's whatever. Like I said I've come pretty far with this whole guy thing and I'm pretty proud of myself.

It's just me myself and I, and I'm okay with that.

Time Won't Let Me Go

I can't believe it's been so long since I've last posted on here. I guess I stopped because I stopped having so much boy drama in my life. This weekend was Valentine's Day and it made me a little sad. I wasn't at first, but the more I thought about it, the more sad I got. Anyway, I don't really have anyone in my life like at all for once and that's kind of nice. One guy is still calling me when it's convenient for him, which is like once every two weeks. I'm doing my best not to answer his calls. Chuck is still trying to date me, which is getting really old and annoying...it's just never EVER going to happen. I really don't want that to happen.

I went and saw He's Just Not That Into You last night. It was a really good movie. It made me really happy and really sad at the same time. I got the affirmation I needed from that movie, but I also realized how desperate I can be and that bugs me. I see myself so much differently than I really am sometimes.

But now its nice to take a break from all the guy drama and just do what I want. I feel like with every guy I met I just dug deeper and deeper into scars that I never let heal, and it hurt so bad every time. I'm finally thinking that I'm content to be alone for now or however long I will be single. I just hope my love life didnt peak at 15.

Most days I still feel sad and am pretty sure I'll never meet that someone. I mean I know I'm a weird person and I'm a nerd and all that. I don't know. Maybe it's just not in my cards.