I know what I want!

I want you, yes you, to ask me out. I want you to want to be with me. You call me all the time and chat. Am I just a friend you like to talk to for .05 seconds? Or is that you trying to start something? I can't tell. I know that you're cool and you don't know what you want and blah blah blah. That's fine. Except if you have no intentions of me being anything more than a person you like to call on a semi-regular basis, then you need to let me know. I know what I'm looking for right now and if you're not fitting in that mold, I need to make other arrangements. So let's put on our big boy pants and talk about this. Can that happen? Yes.....?

I hate when I do the thing. You know the thing where you meet someone and they're pretty much all you can think about. It's stupid really. Especially since we just met pretty recently. I mean I get really excited when he calls. I smile when I talk to him and I hope every time my phone rings that it's him. Stupid. I've become one of those girls, ugh! I used to not be like this. I used to not care. I wish I didn't invest myself into this. But he seems like a cool enough guy and I think there's potential which I can't say about most guys I meet.

So now the problem becomes, what am I to him...? A friend? Someone to pass time with? Maybe someone he'd consider dating? I don't have the slightest clue. I never do.

I don't know what it is, but I felt a little something when I met him. I should of walked away then, because it only means trouble is brewing. But I didn't. I even had the discussion with my best friend that this is probably going to be worth even though I will probably get hurt in the end. She told me that I should ride it out, because I deserve a little happiness. Okay,fine.

Now he's a stupid boy, and so all I can think about are other girls he's probably meeting and talking to. And I don't share well, especially when it's something I really want. So now I have to decide if I should throw my hat in the ring and fight for it. Part of me doesn't want to fight, I want him to just want me. So grr.

But all of this pretty much doesn't matter because it's based off a bunch of theories I've produced in my head. I could very well be the only girl he's interested in. He could also not be interested in me at all. All I know is that every day he takes the time to call me and talk. That has to mean something, right?

On a side note I got asked out on a date by a former UC basketball player that I was a huge fan of....oh my oh my! That flattered me pretty hard core style.

I know how the story goes. I know how it will end. It won't end the way I want it to because it never does. So is it worth fighting for? That's the million dollar question. I've grown epically over the past year. I've lost myself under this bitter, bitchy person. I need to learn to adjust myself. But every time I am me, I get burned hard core style. Hence the bitter and bitchy front. I've learned a lot about myself through all this crap. I guess I've brought most of it on. I can't complain too much, because I've come out stronger in some respects.

It sucks. I think I might be on to something but I'm not sure what. I'm probably playing the fool again. I'm a pro at that role. So the question becomes should I play ignorant to what's going to happen and allow myself to lose myself in this for a little bit? I can't shield myself forever, but I can't keep up this cycle. I can tell you why it's a good thing until I'm blue in the face, but it's all things I've said before and I've failed every single time. It's hard to not think it's your own fault after a while. Its easy to think you don't deserve happiness, which is where I'm at.

I have this huge conflict with life right now. I'm a huge believer in karma. I always thought if I was a good person good things would happen. I've watched pepple all around me do bad things and they're all in a better place than me. I have to wonder about that. Is it fair? No. Life's not fair, though. I learned that pretty early on. I just wonder if the good people ever catch a break. They deserve one. There are so few genuinely nice people in the world.

Another issue I have is how much people judge me. I'm judged because I'm not religious. I'm judged because I've never met my father. I'm judged because I wear my hair in a pony tail and choose chucks over Uggs. Whatever. It's so cliche but you don't know me and you don't know my life. I don't ask for pity, we all go through things. Just respect me and the fact that I'm trying to better myself. I try to be a good person and make good decisions. I mean I'm human andtrust me I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've picked myself up and am here saying don't judge me.

But back to the original post theme, I'm thinking I'm probably out to get screwed again, but this time it will actually be pretty hard core. Yet I'm entranced enough to not be able to walk away. I'm probably making to big of a thing about this, but I know how it goes.

I feel like there's potential here...definite potential. I'll open myself up and just get screwed in the end. That's a choice I'm going to be making. Again, I hate the internet...it will ruin all relationships....

Can I maybe not fall into the same cycle I always do? No? Okay, at least I asked. Sigh. All I care to say is that when I think I make progress I fail. My biggest problem is I know what I want and it's a lot different than what everyone else wants. So I have to decide if I should suck it up do what everyone else wants, or do it my way. I've done what everyone else has wanted me to and look at where I am now. Not where I want to be...not by a long shot. I've been reminded that I will walk through my life alone. That's all there is to it. So I think I should just start doing what I want. I don't want much, I just have a clear sight of what I want. In the meantime here's a list of things you probably shouldn't do if you're not interested:

-Don't say you'll call....you won't.
-Don't tell me I'm a cool girl, but you're just looking for a relationship right now.
-Don't try to get physical and then peace out when you get what you want.
-Don't pretend to be a nice guy.
-Don't try and fool me into thinking you're a nice guy. I know better.

These are just a few minor things, but they can make all the difference in the world. Word.

Kick, push...coast?

So...

At first, let me assure you that I am at least breathing right now. I'm working through things as best I can. But that is not what this entry is about. This is an entry about, what else? A boy.

So I started talking to this guy. He seemed pretty cool so we exchanged phone numbers. We talked on the phone and hit it off quite well. I didn't figure it would go much further than that. I thought we might talk once or twice and that would be the end of it. I would like to say unfortunately I was wrong, but that would not be a correct statement. He called me a couple of times and each time the conversation actually stayed lively and fun. So he asks me out yesterday and I agreed.

He takes me downtown and we walk around fountain square. We grab coffee and walk around downtown for a little bit before he takes me to Mt. Adams to see the views of the city. They were really impressive, just for the record. And there was like an epically romantic moment there and it makes me smile just a little bit to think about.

Then we head back to my apartment, where he shows me some of the photographs he has taken, which were also really impressive. Then we go hang in my room for a little bit and cuddle and it was really awesome. There was no expectation for anything it was just fun hang out type of stuff. It was so refreshing to get that. I also liked that we both have the same style of humor and we laughed and played, which was super awesome.

So he calls me today and talks for a little bit. On a side note, the whole time we were hanging out I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. So anyway he calls me today and we chat and then he tells me that he's not sure if he wants a relationship right now. And this is okay, because we just started hanging out, but at the same time I'm like ok...so what does this mean. Does this mean there's a possibility maybe down the line? Does this mean that he just wants to mess around? So now I have to figure out how exactly I want to go about this. I mean he really is a cool guy and there was definitely something there so I don't exactly want to just drop it like it's hot either. I don't know. I never know.

In a fiction worthy wind

Do you ever feel like your world is falling apart? I feel like that so much right now! I'm depressed and I can't stop thinking about everything that's making me sad. I wish I could just rise up, but I'm really having issues with that right now. I just wish I could get pointed in the right direction and just stay there. Unfortunately I'm screwed like always...I need to figure out how to get of this funk...hard core style!

Have you ever?

So have you ever meet someone you think could be your other half? I never thought I had an other half until last Sunday. Last Sunday was the biggest clusterfuck EVER!

It all started when a friend asked me to go to a Metallica concert with him in Columbus. Being that I've never seen Metallica live, I was totally down. So I get ready or whatever and get in the car and we head off to the good ol' C-Bus. We get there a few hours early, because we had floor seats and the floor was open and my friend had to be in front. So we get there, grab a beer and get to the stage. We end up moving to another side where we meet two guys. One of them is a diehard Metallica fan from Atlanta and the other is his friend from Columbus. So we all talk and start having a good time. So my friend and the Metallica fan are talking some pretty hard core Metallica stuff, so the other guy and I start talking.

We decide to grab some more beers and then talk some sports. We grab some more beers and then the first act comes on. So they're rocking out or whatever . Then we get some more beer while the second act is on. By this time, die ahrd Metallica fan guy is done in drinking, and my friend has left me to go stand in front, which as fine, I knew that was gonna happen. So I start taking care of Metallica fan, because he can't even stand up at this point. So I'm holding him up so he can watch Metallica, and have a cup in my hand as a stand by for puking. Finally he sobers up enough, I can let him go.

So his friend and I start dancing and stuff and having a good time. More good times were had, until there was a kiss. The kiss was good. Like really good. Like electric good. So I was all kinds of happy until the concert ended, and I find out the friend is actually married. That was irony at it's finest, folks.

Like this guy and I flirted all night. He talked about how cool I was and how I was as cute as a button. He was even impressed with my drinking skills. This guy was marine, so you know he knows how to drink! So seriously this guy felt like my other half. Like we were finishing each others jokes and laughing and just having a good time. Like seriously, I don't even care that he was married. I didn't know at the time. I didn't do anything wrong. I just wish he wasn't married...there was some serious potential there!

And there was this whole other thing going on too with the guy I came with. It makes me wonder why we never...I don't know. I mean he's cool as hell. So who knows, maybe that's...I don't know. Whatever I guess. Bottom line: this girl is mass confused!

It's Time

It's time to be over all this. It makes me sad, becuase sometimes I think I'm actually getting somewhere and then, I get lied to. I need to stop and regroup. What am I talking about? Dating. It's not something I'm good at and I never quite win, or come close for that matter. It's just been a long road of mistake after mistake, and I need to be done.

I"m just afraid of being done. I know that down the line I actually do want to be with someone, but I'm convinced that there's not really anyone out there for me. I'm not quite like other girls in many ways, and I'm not what most guys want, I guess. And I suppose that's fine because I surely don't want to change who I am just for someone else. The whole point is finding someone who loves you for exaclty what you are. And that's great that most people find that, but unfortunately I'm not one of them.

I guess I just hoped I'd find that person who gets me. I mean all my friends seem to get me, but guys...? They look at me weird when I tell a joke or have a funny story to tell. Not to mention I don't always wear dressy clothes and do my hair. Not that I think that would make a difference. I like to be comfortable...so what?

So I guess this is me conceding finally. I guess if I conceded earlier I wouldn't be in the place I'm in. People that say that each mistake is a learning process, screw you. The only thing I've learned is there's me myself and I. I guess maybe that was the lesson...maybe I'm supposed to figure out that I will be alone forever. Point taken.

Let it rock

This is me posting instead of working on a paper. Go me.

I need to change things, but I kind of don't want to even though in the long run the changes would be better for me. Le sigh.

I know a few things I will change and that will make me a little happier.

Obama won the presidency! That makes me really happy. I shook hands with a president! And I witnessed something very historical. I really feel like Obama cares and will try his damnedest to make a difference. Spell check needs to stop correcting "Obama" he's the president, after all!

Nerdiness at it's finest!

Halloween has came and went...yet it's still hot as hell outside. Am I complaining? A little. I was finally getting acclamated to the cold weather and then the sun is like, "Hmm...I like sending out burning rays of cancerous warmth" and then procedes to make it hot....in NOVEMBER. Whatever.

So Barack Obama spoke on campus last night. I wasn't planning on going. I wanted to stay home and do homework, but I was like this really is a unique opportunity. He could be president in a matter of two days. So I called a friend and we decided to go. I left my apartment around five, which put me in line at 5:30ish. By then the line was all the way back on Sigma Sigma Commons, so I wasn't even sure I'd get in. It was funny though, I ended up running into my neighbors from my parents' house in Hebron while in line.

After waiting in line for a good hour, I find out another friend of mine is a lot closer in the line, and he has some special tickets. He invites me and my friend to join him, which we do. So we stand in line for another two hours or so and wait. Slowly, we finally get to the front of the line. A guy then asks us if we want to sit behind Obama and we were like hell yeah. So we get led down to this special seating, where I watch Obama speak. Afterwards I shake his hand and he looks me in the eye and says, "thank you" Now I know it's super cheesy to make a big deal of this, but that was one the coolest things that I've ever gotten to do.

If You Please

So...am I going to say anything intelligent in this blog? No. Am I going to ramble? Like a bubbling brook. Are you interested in what I have to say? That's probably a no go, but I'm here and it's my blog and I do what I want.

The question is what do I want? Do I have a fucking clue? That's a big time NO. I keep thinking in my head about what I want right now. The most simple form of an answer would be that I just want to live. But can a sister just live? No. I mean I'm doing my best for now and that's all anyone can ask for, right? Right.

But seriously...I need to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. I wish I could just up and join the peace corps or something like that but this girl has bills to pay.

And in some ways all I want to do is just settle and get married and have kids and shit. But I know I'll be mad at myself because I didn't just do whatever I wanted first. I mean I want to travel do something important with my life. I know that if I just get married right away, that would complicate things hard core style.

That's not to say I don't ever want to get married. I would love to get married in like the next 5 years, sure. Start a family? Absolutely. That's one of my dreams is to have a family of my own, but I'm sure as hell not ready for that right now. I'm still so immature. My favorite activities are going to concerts, going out dancing, and drinking a whole lot. Does that sound like a woman fit to be a mother? Not in my book. And when I am a mom I went to be a damn good one. I'm nto gonna be a mom who leaves her kid at home to go party or because I don't feel like doing that mom thing...f that noise! I'm not saying I'm going to be a perfect mom, but I sure as hell am gonna do the best job I can.

* * * * * * *

So that was part one of this post...let us move on.

I went to Marietta this weekend to talk to residents about a big air pollution problem that they've had in the area for years. I didn't really think I'd be really into it, but I was very wrong. I totally dug talking to everyone and getting to know everyone's stories. It was so awesome to sneak around and see these places that are polluting these people's lives in all facets of it. Crazy. I think I would like to pursue a career in environmental journalism.

* * * * * * *

This should be it, but if I think of anything else along the way, I'll extend this bad boy.

Boys. My biggest problem in life. Seriously. They're so fucky. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing (story of my life, eh?). So on the one hand there's this one boy that I've been kind of seeing...he talks to me.....neverish, but we hang out every so often. He claims he's really busy...and I know he's got like a fucky work schedule and shit. But if you like someone, wouldn't you try to find just a little time to, I don't know, let them know they still exist? Maybe? No? Okay, my bad. Well in Rachel world, when I like someone...I text them...I call....I try to maintain communication....why? Oh I don't know, I thought that's how forming relationships with people works...I must be living in the dark ages on that one.

Then there's this other person. And we just hung out for the first time this weekend. I probably shouldn't even mention it, because who the hell knows if it will go any further than that. But for the sake of 'Rachel needs a bitch out' let's chat about this one. He and I met at a bar with his friends. Okay, cool. They're all cool guys so we're talking having a good time. The two friends go elsewhere so we're talking and I'm showing him pictures from my trip and what not. Well when I drink beer, I have to pee a lot. So I excuse myself to the ladies room for a moment. Not five minutes after I return are the two friends gone and the guy is telling me he needs to leave to find them. Well I know how things work, so I'm convinced that this was their exit strategy to get away from me. So I cordially say goodbye, finish my beer and head home, and I was a little angry because I was drunk, and drunk Rachel doesn't like to be unhappy. Whatever.

So the next day I get an apology text and a 'we should get together again soon' type text. This makes me happy, because I actually did think he was a nice guy up until that point and he was really chill. More on that later...So that was a bit of happiness for me. So I don't know if we actually will hang out again. I'm hoping yes, because there's some definite fun to be had there.

And this is the big distinction between this guy one and guy two....

Let's start by saying the last few months I've had fun...I've done what I've wanted and we'll leave it at that. Well....guy one has some big expectations of me...along with most other boys I've met recently. I won't lie, I pretty much have been living up to expectations, but in return I've gotten treated like shit. I finally got myself in a decent place about it, but still, it's like I'm looking for something better. And with boy one, I feel like I'm staying in my cycle of whateverness. But with boy number two, I don't get that vibe of expectation. Which is really freaking refreshing. Like all we did that night was talk and have a few beers. Awesome. Seriously happiness.

But like I said, boy two is very new and who knows when and if we'll meet up again. I wouldn't definitely like to, for sure. I guess I'll just wait it out and see...people tell me everything works itself out in the end, but I say prove it.


* * * * * * * *

Okay, I lied...one more topic then I'll peace out, sauerkraut.

Daddy. This girl doesn't have a real one. This girl has a guy my mom married back in the day. One would call that a stepdad...I call it stepdad or dad...whatever I'm feeling at that moment. Well to put it lightly, my stepdad and I have never seen anything from the same point of view. EVER. And now that I'm doing the whole be a grown up thing, we've kind of been getting along better and whatever. It's whatever.

But I've been thinking about my real dad....you know the one that knocked my mom up and then was never heard from again? Yeah that one. I'm thinking its time I maybe, you know, find out his name...maybe ask for a picture...ideally one day talk to him on the phone...maybe even meet him. Like I need to see this guy. I need to know he exists. I want to see the brothers and sisters I have that I don't know about.

The problem is I have to ask my mom for this information, and I don't want her to freak. I don't want her to think that her and my stepdad did somehting wrong. It's not that. It's just that I've never even seen the guy and I'm 22. I'd like to know a little about him before I die. So I thought about asking my aunt or my grandma, but I know that they would tell my mom, which would kind of defeat the purpose of asking them. So I'm trying to like formulate some kind of plan. The best I can come up with is talk to my mom...but I don't want to....it scares me...and I don't want her to freak or think its anything bad on her part, becuase it's totally not. I mean you would be curious too about someone who ideally would be in your life, maybe help shape your life, and then they've never been there? Maybe its just me. I am kind of worried though that he would be the biggest asshole ever and I think I need to prepare myself for that possibility before I go meeting him or whatever. I don't know what would be worse either...what if he was a genuinely nice guy? I guess it would be kind of cool to incorporate him into my life somehow. Its just a matter of how to go about it.....

I have a theory...

the internet will ruin all relationships. How you ask? Oh, please, sit back as I enlighten you into the world of why.

Okay, so everyone and their mom has facebook, myspace, etc. That's all fine and good. The problem is that each of these social networking sites has mini feeds so that you can see what all of your friends on that site are doing. So say your boyfriend has a bunch of pictures tagged of him making out with some random girl, and the pictures are dated from the last weekend. He said he was going home for the weekend. Even if you don't catch that, chances are one of your friends will.

So where does that leave you, except confused, right? Right. So it's hard to trust someone who
is saying things to you and then showing up on these websites doing completely different things. I'm not saying that people aren't free to do whatever they want. I'm just saying back before facebook and myspace, it was a lot easier to cheat on your signifigant other. At the very least, it was much more difficult to get caught lying to them.

Now in no way, shape or form do I support cheating. I think cheating is stupid and immature, and if you want to cheat, spare your signifigant other's feelings and dump them.

Even if you're not cheating on your signifigant other, it's very easy for people to think that you are cheating. The best solution to this problem? COMMUNICATION. Don't stalk your boyfriend or girlfriend on the web. Talk to them, try and have a normal relationship. Don't let your friends tell you about stuff they've seen on your guy's facebook. Have faith that your guy is a good guy, (and I hope he is!) and just have fun together.

This all coming from the single girl down the street. I have no real dating advice. I suck at it myself, so to each their own. Good luck, world!

On Principle Alone

As I get ready to start my final year of college, I've started to look back on my life. I can't believe I'm 22 years old. I still feel like I'm 16, not to mention, look it.

I remember when I started college, I was such a shy and quiet girl. I was the girl who had never drank, smoked, done drugs, or had sex. I had no intentions of doing those things either. My whole goal was simply to graduate.

I have to laugh at how much I've changed. And it's not at all a bad thing that I have changed. It was probably better that way. I mean now I'm a much more outspoken, happy person. I have the best damn friends in the world, and I'm about to be a college graduate. That just boggles my mind!

No one in my family has gone to college. They all got married and had kids right after high school. But not me. Sometimes I think it's good I chose another path. Other times I feel like I'm way over my head. Sometimes I don't feel smart enough to be in college, ya know?

At times I wish I just got married right of high school and started my life right away. But I look at my friends from high school....more than one of them is a pot head. One is a mother of two and married for 2 years now. It makes me feel like I haven't accomplished anything yet.

Thought I'm not gonna lie, I much rather be playing beer pong and doing shots than taking care of a child and a husband. I kinda don't wanna ever be that person that settles in the suburbs, has 2.5 kids and drives them all to soccer. I want to do something more. But I'm not exactly sure what that is. I just hope that I can find someone that makes me happy and feels the same way I do about life.

But in the meantime, I have a degree to complete and many many nights of drinking to partake in.

Hi...High...Hai

I just had one the best weekends ever. EVER. I would not have changed a thing, because it was perfect. I wish life was just one continous weekend.

Word

It's the hardest thing to watch someone close to you experience a personal tragedy. A good friend of mine's grandmother passed away last night. I wish I had words of wisdom, I wish there was something I could do for her. Sadly this is something she has to do by herself. All I can do is offer to be there when she needs someone to listen or just to cry to. Its going to be a hard couple weeks for her now. I just pray that everything goes smoothly and that this is an easy transition for her and her family. It's so damn hard to lose someone close to you. No one can offer you comfort, no one can take the pain away. The pain will be there for a long time. All you can do is rise above it and remember.

So try and remember the good times. Remember its okay to be sad. Everyone deals with these things differently, so make sure you do what's best for you.

Sigh

So the next couple of weeks are going to be hard. After essentially four years together, one of my closest friends and I are moving away from each other. It's gonna be so weird. I'm kinda sad about it. I think I'm more sad that our friendship isn't what it used to be. We used to be like best friends, and now we have minimal interaction with each other. Its nobody's fault...it happens. But its still kinda really sad. Its like the end of an era. I just have a feeling that after we move apart we won't really stay friends. I hope we do, but I guess we'll see.

Its going to be a hard next couple weeks.

So....

I've decided to stop being bitter and hateful towards guys. It's not their fault they're stupid and deficient. I've just decided to not get involved with them anymore. So they won't cross my path and I won't cross theirs'. On to bigger and better things.

My birthday was fine. I didn't do much on the actual day, aside from going out to my favorite restaurant. The Saturday after was awesome. My friends and I went to Pavillion in Mt. Adams. I had more than my fair share to drink and was feeling really good that night. I even made a new friend that night. It was really awesome though to just have all my favorite people around me for a good night.

Things are good. Getting ready to move to a new apartment. Getting ready to start my last year of college...well for now. I've decided I'm pretty sure I'm gonna go back to school after this anyways.

I'm excited for things to come. I need to slow my roll and redirect all my focus on school work and such.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year all! Okay, so it's not a new year for you. But aside from tomorrow being the first day of the rest of my life, it's also my 22nd Birthday. I've decided that it's time to make some changes with my life, and what better time to start than a birthday?

The biggest and most signifigant change is that I am going to be an active person. I'm going to start working out and eating right. My goal is to lose a signifigant amount of weight over the next year. I know I've talked about it before, but I'm super motivated now, and ready to make this happen. I've started doing research and looking into what I need to do to become a better, more active person.

I'm really pumped for this. I know I can do it. I know I'll feel much better after I get to my goal. And I'm not saying I want to be a stick. I know I will never be a size 6, and I'm okay with that. I just want to be more active and healthy. I think I'll be a lot happier.


On to other things, the Kanye West concert was amazing!

The show started with Lupe Fiasco opening up. He did good and his set was pretty chill. I enjoyed it. Not everyone was getting into it, but I did.

Next was N.E.R.D. they were even better. Their show was all about energy and hype. I loved it. I would love to see them play at Bogarts or some smaller venue so I could rock out hard core style.

Next was the big man, Mr. West. I was really split on how I thought the show would go. I was hoping it would be good, but since West has a reputation for being diva-esque, I wan't entirely sure. Well....honestly it was probably the best show I've ever been to. The stage was amazing, the set was amazing, the live band was amazing too. He had a large percussion section, and I was totally into that.

Anyway the show was a no camera show. They made you throw your batteries out at the door. Luckily I had stashed another pair in my purse, which they missed. So I got a few pictures of each of the acts. They actually had ushers standing in the aisles to check. If you got caught they made you delete your pics. I ended up taking a few and then took the batteries out of my camera so that they would think I hadn't taken any. A few is better than none, so yeah.

Anyway, the show was great....totally worth the money.

I've been going back and forth in my head as to whether or not I should get a hold of this one guy, and as much as I want to, it's probably not the best idea, so I'm gonna have to pass.

No Words

I'm just going to go ahead and have my rant right now. I'm sick of having all this crap rolling around my head, so I'm gonna put it out there, make peace with it, and move the hell on. I'm warning you now, I'm sure this is going to be a very long post. You have been warned.

I'm not quite sure where to start. I guess I'll just start by saying that I have given up on the whole finding a relationship because it's turned out to be the biggest waste of time in my life. Like I really have hard time believing in the whole idea of love. I'm pretty sure that people can't feel the way that they think they do. I think people then get bored and screw it up. I really doubt that people can have such strong feelings about each other as to want to stay together forever. I'm pretty sure that's a bunch of grade A bull. It just can't happen. People fool themselves into thinking that they feel strongly about a person. Its a sad waste of emotion. I mean...yeah. I don't even know. I just can't grasp that idea anymore. I did at one time, but I just don't anymore.

And I fess up right now that this is not 100% other people's faults. I have made a few choice decisions and have lead myself down this path. I don't think I've ever denied that, though. But let's be honest, we all make mistakes in our life...I just happen to make an obscenly large number of them.

Another thing that I realized is that people don't know how to tell the truth anymore. I mean yeah it's hard, but if you claim yourself to be an adult you better damn well learn how to act like one. I mean seriously. I know so people who lie to my face everyday. The sad thing is I know they're lying. I know their truths because I'm a smart person and its not that hard to figure out. I just wish people wouldn't try to be so damn sneaky....especially when they're all failing miserably.

I guess I shouldn't say much. I'm all alone with my ability to read through people's lies. I don't have anything else. Whatever. I'm doing what I want. I have to the balls to be honest too. I guess I have to choose between being a skeezy liar with a lot of friends or being me and staying the way I am, I'd damn sure stay where I'm at. At least I know where I'm going and I don't have anyone holding me back.

One last breathe of fresh knowledge; I am so excited for the new school year to start. Its gonna be a fresh start...a really fresh start. I think its a matter of time before things start going well for me. Until then I'll do what I do best and deal.

Feeling a bit existential

Yeah that about sums up how I'm feeling today. I just got to thinking about some things and it is making me question everything.

I shan't get into what's going on in my head exactly. Just be aware the wheels are turning. Whatever.

The past couple of days have been pretty great. I almost got arrested for playing in a fountain at 2 or so in the morning with two of my friends. That was one of the best nights I've had in a while. I also have a new apartment lined up for next year! It's pretty sweet and dirt cheap, so I'm quite happy.

The next couple weeks are gonna be so great! I have so much going on. I'm going out to eat with one of my best friends in a few days. Then the Kanye West concert. Then my birthday and TWO awesome birthday celebrations! Hell to the yes, my friends! AND preseason football is just a few weeks away too!

Not much else is going on. I'm letting things ride right now and it feels pretty good. It's alot easier to coast than be on freak out mode all the time. Hopefully I can learn to be this chill about everything.

I can't believe I'm about to be 22. I know that's not old, but I swear I still feel like I'm 16 sometimes. I mean I have no desire to grow up ha ha.

I need to start buying birthday presents. I have like 30329018390 friends' birthdays coming up. I have the closest one taken care of, so that's good, at least. I'm so excited for my birthday parties. Well I guess one's a party and one's an excursion out. I'm excited to try some new shots that I think sound good!

I suppose that's all the news of my life for right now. Cheers!

Damage Control...

As if anyone actually reads this...which I seriously doubt, please excuse that last post. The whole premis of it basically goes like this:

I started seeing this guy and he's pretty awesome. Well because I am an unconfident, overly self conscious fool I get paranoid. Its not that he's done anything wrong, he's actually been the best guy I've hung out with in a long time. However, due to my past track record with guys, I'm ridiculously terrified that I'm going to get hurt yet again, and I'm just not down with it. So everytime something goes a little bit different than I think it should, I wanna throw in the towel.

Well the good news is I'm slowly working through all of my paranoia. This guy and I have fun together when we hang out, he's really chill. We have a lot of stuff in common. This could go really well if I just let myself go a little bit, which is what I'm doing. I've had small paranoias, but so far I've been able to keep them under control.

And it's pretty petty, this whole thing, because we've only started hanging out and I'm freaking out. I mean to be fair, I do have good reason, but there's no need for it. I mean we have no said commitment to each other or anything. Though I honestly think this thing has potential...and I guess that's what scares me. I've been single for quite awhile, so the fact that I've met someone who I wouldn't mind being in a commited relationship with is kinda crazy.

So yeah I actually meant to post about my trip to Gatlinburg, and then I just ended up on this little tangent, ha ha!

Gatlinburg was great! This cabin was definitely one of my favorites! The only thing that sucked is my parents didn't wanna do much aside from lay around the cabin. That's all fine and good to an extent. I'm one of those people that when I go somewhere new, I wanna drop my bags in the hotel and then go explore. It was hard to just sit around in the cabin as much as we did.

But we did go to downtown Gatlinburg and I did some shopping, which was fun. I also went up in the space needle, which was kind of a big deal, because heights and I don't get along all that well. I thought it wouldn't be that bad, but there was a glass elevator, that takes you all the way to the top at a super slow speed.

Once I got up there it wasn't too bad. I didn't go all the way to the edge, but I went about a foot from it, which was close enough for me! We went up at night, so it was cool to see Gatlinburg all lit up.

I got some pretty good pictures. Usually I just take pictures of the nature and cabins, but I actually took some of Gatlinburg this time. Hopefully I'll have them online in the next few days.

Anyway, I didn't intend on writing the next great American novel on here. I guess I'll end this post now. I suppose I'll close with how excited I am for football season! It's only a month away!!!

For Serious!

I hate guys. They suck. You can't win. I don't want to play hard to get, so I try to talk to you without seeming desperate. I like hanging out with you, I have a good time with you, I wanna keep having a good time with you. I thought you felt the same way, but I guess I fell for some stupid tricks again.

This will be me, throwing in the towel now. I'm waving my white flag and all of that. I can't win. I get it. Whatever. I keep telling myself not to bother with it all. But I do. And I fool myself into getting hurt some more.

People that tell you one day things will be better are full of shit. Not everyone gets their happy ending. What's the point of it all any way? Even if you do find someone, they're just gonna fuck it somehow. Why waste time on that? Life is just stupid, I swear. What the hell is the point of it all? It seems like all you do in life is try and dodge bad shit from happening but then something else bites you in the ass. It's stupid, really.

I'm the type of girl....

that thinks of you all day, no matter how hard she tries not to.

that smiles when she gets a text from you.

that waits for you to text her back.

that can't wait to see you again.

that always puts you first, even if you don't put me first.

that wants you to know I'll always be there without looking desperate.

Yeah. I'm that type of girl...and I hate it!

Sigh

So I find myself in another dilemma.

I met this guy and we went out this weekend and had a really good time. We talk a lot and have a lot of fun when we're together.

I think that this has a lot of potential and it's scaring the hell out of me. I mean I've been screwed over so much in the past year, and now I am scared to get hurt again. I really don't think this guy is like that. He seems really chill and that we're looking for the same things. We definitely have a lot of stuff in common, which is awesome.

I feel like I might be smothering him, because I text him everyday to talk. But I don't want him to think that I'm not interested in him either. I'm trying to do whatever's best right now, but I'm not quite sure what that is right now.

I suppose the right thing would be to just let things ride and leave them be. We have fun together and that should be enough. But letting things ride has what's gotten me screwed over in the past. So part of me wants to cut my losses now. But If I keep running away, I'll never get anywhere. I guess I'm just gonna have to try really hard to just let things be.

I mean I think this guy is interested in me too. Who knows, he may be just as nervous as me. It doesn't help that I have nothing to do this summer, but sit around and think about such things.

At any rate, I'm gonna try my best to do this. I mean I'm happy when I'm with you. I know we just started hanging out, but when I saw you the first time, I felt something inside that let me know that this could be good. I just have to hold out again. Just please let this be a good thing!

If I met you in a scissor fight.

Hello all! Welcome to my very first blog. Not much is going on at the moment. I've spent the majority of my time just enjoying summer. I'm taking advantage of all the free time I have to catch up on some recreational reading. I guess I can do a quick rundown of some good books I've gotten my hands on this summer:

* The Pact by Jodi Picoult. The story revolves around a suicide pact between two teenagers that goes awry. It was a fight to get into this book, but once I did, I enjoyed it.

*When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris. Sedaris writes short stories about his life in a very sarcastic tone. This book is a continuation of his other books, but it quite funny. Not a hard read at all and very, very fun!

*The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen something. This book is about a teenage boy who decides to pick an address out of the phonebook, and write letters to this person about his life. I think enjoyed the book more because the author chose to use that style of writing. I'm not sure if the content of the book was equally exciting, but it was a good, quick read, if anything.

I still have a laundry list of books I have sitting in my room, waiting for me to start. Of these include:

*Catcher in the Rye
*Girl Bomb
*Holidays on Ice
*Dress your Family in Denim & Corduroy.

I suppose I'll make an effort to put in recommendations of these books as I finish them.

Until then.