No Words

I'm just going to go ahead and have my rant right now. I'm sick of having all this crap rolling around my head, so I'm gonna put it out there, make peace with it, and move the hell on. I'm warning you now, I'm sure this is going to be a very long post. You have been warned.

I'm not quite sure where to start. I guess I'll just start by saying that I have given up on the whole finding a relationship because it's turned out to be the biggest waste of time in my life. Like I really have hard time believing in the whole idea of love. I'm pretty sure that people can't feel the way that they think they do. I think people then get bored and screw it up. I really doubt that people can have such strong feelings about each other as to want to stay together forever. I'm pretty sure that's a bunch of grade A bull. It just can't happen. People fool themselves into thinking that they feel strongly about a person. Its a sad waste of emotion. I mean...yeah. I don't even know. I just can't grasp that idea anymore. I did at one time, but I just don't anymore.

And I fess up right now that this is not 100% other people's faults. I have made a few choice decisions and have lead myself down this path. I don't think I've ever denied that, though. But let's be honest, we all make mistakes in our life...I just happen to make an obscenly large number of them.

Another thing that I realized is that people don't know how to tell the truth anymore. I mean yeah it's hard, but if you claim yourself to be an adult you better damn well learn how to act like one. I mean seriously. I know so people who lie to my face everyday. The sad thing is I know they're lying. I know their truths because I'm a smart person and its not that hard to figure out. I just wish people wouldn't try to be so damn sneaky....especially when they're all failing miserably.

I guess I shouldn't say much. I'm all alone with my ability to read through people's lies. I don't have anything else. Whatever. I'm doing what I want. I have to the balls to be honest too. I guess I have to choose between being a skeezy liar with a lot of friends or being me and staying the way I am, I'd damn sure stay where I'm at. At least I know where I'm going and I don't have anyone holding me back.

One last breathe of fresh knowledge; I am so excited for the new school year to start. Its gonna be a fresh start...a really fresh start. I think its a matter of time before things start going well for me. Until then I'll do what I do best and deal.

Feeling a bit existential

Yeah that about sums up how I'm feeling today. I just got to thinking about some things and it is making me question everything.

I shan't get into what's going on in my head exactly. Just be aware the wheels are turning. Whatever.

The past couple of days have been pretty great. I almost got arrested for playing in a fountain at 2 or so in the morning with two of my friends. That was one of the best nights I've had in a while. I also have a new apartment lined up for next year! It's pretty sweet and dirt cheap, so I'm quite happy.

The next couple weeks are gonna be so great! I have so much going on. I'm going out to eat with one of my best friends in a few days. Then the Kanye West concert. Then my birthday and TWO awesome birthday celebrations! Hell to the yes, my friends! AND preseason football is just a few weeks away too!

Not much else is going on. I'm letting things ride right now and it feels pretty good. It's alot easier to coast than be on freak out mode all the time. Hopefully I can learn to be this chill about everything.

I can't believe I'm about to be 22. I know that's not old, but I swear I still feel like I'm 16 sometimes. I mean I have no desire to grow up ha ha.

I need to start buying birthday presents. I have like 30329018390 friends' birthdays coming up. I have the closest one taken care of, so that's good, at least. I'm so excited for my birthday parties. Well I guess one's a party and one's an excursion out. I'm excited to try some new shots that I think sound good!

I suppose that's all the news of my life for right now. Cheers!

Damage Control...

As if anyone actually reads this...which I seriously doubt, please excuse that last post. The whole premis of it basically goes like this:

I started seeing this guy and he's pretty awesome. Well because I am an unconfident, overly self conscious fool I get paranoid. Its not that he's done anything wrong, he's actually been the best guy I've hung out with in a long time. However, due to my past track record with guys, I'm ridiculously terrified that I'm going to get hurt yet again, and I'm just not down with it. So everytime something goes a little bit different than I think it should, I wanna throw in the towel.

Well the good news is I'm slowly working through all of my paranoia. This guy and I have fun together when we hang out, he's really chill. We have a lot of stuff in common. This could go really well if I just let myself go a little bit, which is what I'm doing. I've had small paranoias, but so far I've been able to keep them under control.

And it's pretty petty, this whole thing, because we've only started hanging out and I'm freaking out. I mean to be fair, I do have good reason, but there's no need for it. I mean we have no said commitment to each other or anything. Though I honestly think this thing has potential...and I guess that's what scares me. I've been single for quite awhile, so the fact that I've met someone who I wouldn't mind being in a commited relationship with is kinda crazy.

So yeah I actually meant to post about my trip to Gatlinburg, and then I just ended up on this little tangent, ha ha!

Gatlinburg was great! This cabin was definitely one of my favorites! The only thing that sucked is my parents didn't wanna do much aside from lay around the cabin. That's all fine and good to an extent. I'm one of those people that when I go somewhere new, I wanna drop my bags in the hotel and then go explore. It was hard to just sit around in the cabin as much as we did.

But we did go to downtown Gatlinburg and I did some shopping, which was fun. I also went up in the space needle, which was kind of a big deal, because heights and I don't get along all that well. I thought it wouldn't be that bad, but there was a glass elevator, that takes you all the way to the top at a super slow speed.

Once I got up there it wasn't too bad. I didn't go all the way to the edge, but I went about a foot from it, which was close enough for me! We went up at night, so it was cool to see Gatlinburg all lit up.

I got some pretty good pictures. Usually I just take pictures of the nature and cabins, but I actually took some of Gatlinburg this time. Hopefully I'll have them online in the next few days.

Anyway, I didn't intend on writing the next great American novel on here. I guess I'll end this post now. I suppose I'll close with how excited I am for football season! It's only a month away!!!

For Serious!

I hate guys. They suck. You can't win. I don't want to play hard to get, so I try to talk to you without seeming desperate. I like hanging out with you, I have a good time with you, I wanna keep having a good time with you. I thought you felt the same way, but I guess I fell for some stupid tricks again.

This will be me, throwing in the towel now. I'm waving my white flag and all of that. I can't win. I get it. Whatever. I keep telling myself not to bother with it all. But I do. And I fool myself into getting hurt some more.

People that tell you one day things will be better are full of shit. Not everyone gets their happy ending. What's the point of it all any way? Even if you do find someone, they're just gonna fuck it somehow. Why waste time on that? Life is just stupid, I swear. What the hell is the point of it all? It seems like all you do in life is try and dodge bad shit from happening but then something else bites you in the ass. It's stupid, really.

I'm the type of girl....

that thinks of you all day, no matter how hard she tries not to.

that smiles when she gets a text from you.

that waits for you to text her back.

that can't wait to see you again.

that always puts you first, even if you don't put me first.

that wants you to know I'll always be there without looking desperate.

Yeah. I'm that type of girl...and I hate it!

Sigh

So I find myself in another dilemma.

I met this guy and we went out this weekend and had a really good time. We talk a lot and have a lot of fun when we're together.

I think that this has a lot of potential and it's scaring the hell out of me. I mean I've been screwed over so much in the past year, and now I am scared to get hurt again. I really don't think this guy is like that. He seems really chill and that we're looking for the same things. We definitely have a lot of stuff in common, which is awesome.

I feel like I might be smothering him, because I text him everyday to talk. But I don't want him to think that I'm not interested in him either. I'm trying to do whatever's best right now, but I'm not quite sure what that is right now.

I suppose the right thing would be to just let things ride and leave them be. We have fun together and that should be enough. But letting things ride has what's gotten me screwed over in the past. So part of me wants to cut my losses now. But If I keep running away, I'll never get anywhere. I guess I'm just gonna have to try really hard to just let things be.

I mean I think this guy is interested in me too. Who knows, he may be just as nervous as me. It doesn't help that I have nothing to do this summer, but sit around and think about such things.

At any rate, I'm gonna try my best to do this. I mean I'm happy when I'm with you. I know we just started hanging out, but when I saw you the first time, I felt something inside that let me know that this could be good. I just have to hold out again. Just please let this be a good thing!