If You Please

So...am I going to say anything intelligent in this blog? No. Am I going to ramble? Like a bubbling brook. Are you interested in what I have to say? That's probably a no go, but I'm here and it's my blog and I do what I want.

The question is what do I want? Do I have a fucking clue? That's a big time NO. I keep thinking in my head about what I want right now. The most simple form of an answer would be that I just want to live. But can a sister just live? No. I mean I'm doing my best for now and that's all anyone can ask for, right? Right.

But seriously...I need to figure out what the hell I want to do with my life. I wish I could just up and join the peace corps or something like that but this girl has bills to pay.

And in some ways all I want to do is just settle and get married and have kids and shit. But I know I'll be mad at myself because I didn't just do whatever I wanted first. I mean I want to travel do something important with my life. I know that if I just get married right away, that would complicate things hard core style.

That's not to say I don't ever want to get married. I would love to get married in like the next 5 years, sure. Start a family? Absolutely. That's one of my dreams is to have a family of my own, but I'm sure as hell not ready for that right now. I'm still so immature. My favorite activities are going to concerts, going out dancing, and drinking a whole lot. Does that sound like a woman fit to be a mother? Not in my book. And when I am a mom I went to be a damn good one. I'm nto gonna be a mom who leaves her kid at home to go party or because I don't feel like doing that mom thing...f that noise! I'm not saying I'm going to be a perfect mom, but I sure as hell am gonna do the best job I can.

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So that was part one of this post...let us move on.

I went to Marietta this weekend to talk to residents about a big air pollution problem that they've had in the area for years. I didn't really think I'd be really into it, but I was very wrong. I totally dug talking to everyone and getting to know everyone's stories. It was so awesome to sneak around and see these places that are polluting these people's lives in all facets of it. Crazy. I think I would like to pursue a career in environmental journalism.

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This should be it, but if I think of anything else along the way, I'll extend this bad boy.

Boys. My biggest problem in life. Seriously. They're so fucky. I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing (story of my life, eh?). So on the one hand there's this one boy that I've been kind of seeing...he talks to me.....neverish, but we hang out every so often. He claims he's really busy...and I know he's got like a fucky work schedule and shit. But if you like someone, wouldn't you try to find just a little time to, I don't know, let them know they still exist? Maybe? No? Okay, my bad. Well in Rachel world, when I like someone...I text them...I call....I try to maintain communication....why? Oh I don't know, I thought that's how forming relationships with people works...I must be living in the dark ages on that one.

Then there's this other person. And we just hung out for the first time this weekend. I probably shouldn't even mention it, because who the hell knows if it will go any further than that. But for the sake of 'Rachel needs a bitch out' let's chat about this one. He and I met at a bar with his friends. Okay, cool. They're all cool guys so we're talking having a good time. The two friends go elsewhere so we're talking and I'm showing him pictures from my trip and what not. Well when I drink beer, I have to pee a lot. So I excuse myself to the ladies room for a moment. Not five minutes after I return are the two friends gone and the guy is telling me he needs to leave to find them. Well I know how things work, so I'm convinced that this was their exit strategy to get away from me. So I cordially say goodbye, finish my beer and head home, and I was a little angry because I was drunk, and drunk Rachel doesn't like to be unhappy. Whatever.

So the next day I get an apology text and a 'we should get together again soon' type text. This makes me happy, because I actually did think he was a nice guy up until that point and he was really chill. More on that later...So that was a bit of happiness for me. So I don't know if we actually will hang out again. I'm hoping yes, because there's some definite fun to be had there.

And this is the big distinction between this guy one and guy two....

Let's start by saying the last few months I've had fun...I've done what I've wanted and we'll leave it at that. Well....guy one has some big expectations of me...along with most other boys I've met recently. I won't lie, I pretty much have been living up to expectations, but in return I've gotten treated like shit. I finally got myself in a decent place about it, but still, it's like I'm looking for something better. And with boy one, I feel like I'm staying in my cycle of whateverness. But with boy number two, I don't get that vibe of expectation. Which is really freaking refreshing. Like all we did that night was talk and have a few beers. Awesome. Seriously happiness.

But like I said, boy two is very new and who knows when and if we'll meet up again. I wouldn't definitely like to, for sure. I guess I'll just wait it out and see...people tell me everything works itself out in the end, but I say prove it.


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Okay, I lied...one more topic then I'll peace out, sauerkraut.

Daddy. This girl doesn't have a real one. This girl has a guy my mom married back in the day. One would call that a stepdad...I call it stepdad or dad...whatever I'm feeling at that moment. Well to put it lightly, my stepdad and I have never seen anything from the same point of view. EVER. And now that I'm doing the whole be a grown up thing, we've kind of been getting along better and whatever. It's whatever.

But I've been thinking about my real dad....you know the one that knocked my mom up and then was never heard from again? Yeah that one. I'm thinking its time I maybe, you know, find out his name...maybe ask for a picture...ideally one day talk to him on the phone...maybe even meet him. Like I need to see this guy. I need to know he exists. I want to see the brothers and sisters I have that I don't know about.

The problem is I have to ask my mom for this information, and I don't want her to freak. I don't want her to think that her and my stepdad did somehting wrong. It's not that. It's just that I've never even seen the guy and I'm 22. I'd like to know a little about him before I die. So I thought about asking my aunt or my grandma, but I know that they would tell my mom, which would kind of defeat the purpose of asking them. So I'm trying to like formulate some kind of plan. The best I can come up with is talk to my mom...but I don't want to....it scares me...and I don't want her to freak or think its anything bad on her part, becuase it's totally not. I mean you would be curious too about someone who ideally would be in your life, maybe help shape your life, and then they've never been there? Maybe its just me. I am kind of worried though that he would be the biggest asshole ever and I think I need to prepare myself for that possibility before I go meeting him or whatever. I don't know what would be worse either...what if he was a genuinely nice guy? I guess it would be kind of cool to incorporate him into my life somehow. Its just a matter of how to go about it.....