I know what I want!

I want you, yes you, to ask me out. I want you to want to be with me. You call me all the time and chat. Am I just a friend you like to talk to for .05 seconds? Or is that you trying to start something? I can't tell. I know that you're cool and you don't know what you want and blah blah blah. That's fine. Except if you have no intentions of me being anything more than a person you like to call on a semi-regular basis, then you need to let me know. I know what I'm looking for right now and if you're not fitting in that mold, I need to make other arrangements. So let's put on our big boy pants and talk about this. Can that happen? Yes.....?

I hate when I do the thing. You know the thing where you meet someone and they're pretty much all you can think about. It's stupid really. Especially since we just met pretty recently. I mean I get really excited when he calls. I smile when I talk to him and I hope every time my phone rings that it's him. Stupid. I've become one of those girls, ugh! I used to not be like this. I used to not care. I wish I didn't invest myself into this. But he seems like a cool enough guy and I think there's potential which I can't say about most guys I meet.

So now the problem becomes, what am I to him...? A friend? Someone to pass time with? Maybe someone he'd consider dating? I don't have the slightest clue. I never do.

I don't know what it is, but I felt a little something when I met him. I should of walked away then, because it only means trouble is brewing. But I didn't. I even had the discussion with my best friend that this is probably going to be worth even though I will probably get hurt in the end. She told me that I should ride it out, because I deserve a little happiness. Okay,fine.

Now he's a stupid boy, and so all I can think about are other girls he's probably meeting and talking to. And I don't share well, especially when it's something I really want. So now I have to decide if I should throw my hat in the ring and fight for it. Part of me doesn't want to fight, I want him to just want me. So grr.

But all of this pretty much doesn't matter because it's based off a bunch of theories I've produced in my head. I could very well be the only girl he's interested in. He could also not be interested in me at all. All I know is that every day he takes the time to call me and talk. That has to mean something, right?

On a side note I got asked out on a date by a former UC basketball player that I was a huge fan of....oh my oh my! That flattered me pretty hard core style.

I know how the story goes. I know how it will end. It won't end the way I want it to because it never does. So is it worth fighting for? That's the million dollar question. I've grown epically over the past year. I've lost myself under this bitter, bitchy person. I need to learn to adjust myself. But every time I am me, I get burned hard core style. Hence the bitter and bitchy front. I've learned a lot about myself through all this crap. I guess I've brought most of it on. I can't complain too much, because I've come out stronger in some respects.

It sucks. I think I might be on to something but I'm not sure what. I'm probably playing the fool again. I'm a pro at that role. So the question becomes should I play ignorant to what's going to happen and allow myself to lose myself in this for a little bit? I can't shield myself forever, but I can't keep up this cycle. I can tell you why it's a good thing until I'm blue in the face, but it's all things I've said before and I've failed every single time. It's hard to not think it's your own fault after a while. Its easy to think you don't deserve happiness, which is where I'm at.

I have this huge conflict with life right now. I'm a huge believer in karma. I always thought if I was a good person good things would happen. I've watched pepple all around me do bad things and they're all in a better place than me. I have to wonder about that. Is it fair? No. Life's not fair, though. I learned that pretty early on. I just wonder if the good people ever catch a break. They deserve one. There are so few genuinely nice people in the world.

Another issue I have is how much people judge me. I'm judged because I'm not religious. I'm judged because I've never met my father. I'm judged because I wear my hair in a pony tail and choose chucks over Uggs. Whatever. It's so cliche but you don't know me and you don't know my life. I don't ask for pity, we all go through things. Just respect me and the fact that I'm trying to better myself. I try to be a good person and make good decisions. I mean I'm human andtrust me I've made a lot of mistakes, but I've picked myself up and am here saying don't judge me.

But back to the original post theme, I'm thinking I'm probably out to get screwed again, but this time it will actually be pretty hard core. Yet I'm entranced enough to not be able to walk away. I'm probably making to big of a thing about this, but I know how it goes.

I feel like there's potential here...definite potential. I'll open myself up and just get screwed in the end. That's a choice I'm going to be making. Again, I hate the internet...it will ruin all relationships....

Can I maybe not fall into the same cycle I always do? No? Okay, at least I asked. Sigh. All I care to say is that when I think I make progress I fail. My biggest problem is I know what I want and it's a lot different than what everyone else wants. So I have to decide if I should suck it up do what everyone else wants, or do it my way. I've done what everyone else has wanted me to and look at where I am now. Not where I want to be...not by a long shot. I've been reminded that I will walk through my life alone. That's all there is to it. So I think I should just start doing what I want. I don't want much, I just have a clear sight of what I want. In the meantime here's a list of things you probably shouldn't do if you're not interested:

-Don't say you'll call....you won't.
-Don't tell me I'm a cool girl, but you're just looking for a relationship right now.
-Don't try to get physical and then peace out when you get what you want.
-Don't pretend to be a nice guy.
-Don't try and fool me into thinking you're a nice guy. I know better.

These are just a few minor things, but they can make all the difference in the world. Word.

Kick, push...coast?

So...

At first, let me assure you that I am at least breathing right now. I'm working through things as best I can. But that is not what this entry is about. This is an entry about, what else? A boy.

So I started talking to this guy. He seemed pretty cool so we exchanged phone numbers. We talked on the phone and hit it off quite well. I didn't figure it would go much further than that. I thought we might talk once or twice and that would be the end of it. I would like to say unfortunately I was wrong, but that would not be a correct statement. He called me a couple of times and each time the conversation actually stayed lively and fun. So he asks me out yesterday and I agreed.

He takes me downtown and we walk around fountain square. We grab coffee and walk around downtown for a little bit before he takes me to Mt. Adams to see the views of the city. They were really impressive, just for the record. And there was like an epically romantic moment there and it makes me smile just a little bit to think about.

Then we head back to my apartment, where he shows me some of the photographs he has taken, which were also really impressive. Then we go hang in my room for a little bit and cuddle and it was really awesome. There was no expectation for anything it was just fun hang out type of stuff. It was so refreshing to get that. I also liked that we both have the same style of humor and we laughed and played, which was super awesome.

So he calls me today and talks for a little bit. On a side note, the whole time we were hanging out I was waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. So anyway he calls me today and we chat and then he tells me that he's not sure if he wants a relationship right now. And this is okay, because we just started hanging out, but at the same time I'm like ok...so what does this mean. Does this mean there's a possibility maybe down the line? Does this mean that he just wants to mess around? So now I have to figure out how exactly I want to go about this. I mean he really is a cool guy and there was definitely something there so I don't exactly want to just drop it like it's hot either. I don't know. I never know.