Literally

It's literally amazing the transition a person can make in a year. This is one of the years where I really 'found myself.' Previous to this period of time, I'd always thought of the idea of finding oneself a bullshit excuse to get away with doing a bunch of stupid crap and emancipating yourself from any and every responsibility one has. And maybe that is the case for others who are actively searching for themselves, which I still think is a crazy and untangible concept. How will backpacking through Europe with 5 dollars in your pocket help you understand yourself? I don't get it. Anyway, back to more important things....

A little over a year ago I got involved with a guy who I thought was cool and was the first guy I had a genuine interest in in quite sometime. The whole thing ended up being me thinking this guy was into me and wanting to start a relationship with me, when all he wanted was someone to keep the other side of his bed warm at night. However during the course of the, for the lack of a better term, relationship, I freaked out if he didn't text me or call me once a day. I sent myself through this ridiculous cycle of he likes me, he doesn't like me. I'd generally been that way with most every guy I'd been with, with one exception, but this guy was the exception to everything about me.

Anyway, I really have no regrets about the whole situation because it essentially set off my most interesting year ever. After this guy I made a series of mistakes of men, fooling myself into thinking each of these guys liked me, when in fact none of them were interested in anything other than a physical relationship. The last guy I was with, I honestly wasn't even that attracted to, I just liked that we had some things in common, but it was clear that there wouldn't be anything concrete that came from the relationship.

And about the time we stopped talking, I ran into some hard core financial issues, and went into a major state of depression. Everything was just flying out the window all at the same time, and I couldn't handle it. I really wanted to die.

I read a book a month or so ago called, He's Just Not That Into You. Literally that book opened up my eyes to so much about guys. I don't care if the whole thing wasn't true, it literally made me feel so much better about myself. It also made me realize I'm just fine being on my own and single. I've since met a few different guys, but none of them have had the appeal that I want. For instance, I want a guy who will want me and care for me in a way no one else has. I want this person to love me for exactly what I am. And I haven't found that yet. I don't know if I hold my expectations too high. I might also think I may just be numb to the idea of being with someone right now, because I've been treated so poorly the past year. I don't know what it is, but this is the first time that I can say I'm honestly content to be single. Not to say I don't get sad when I'm out with friends and they get hit on or whatever and I don't. It still sucks, but then I remember that none of these guys are good enough for me or are what I want them to be, so it's whatever. Like I said I've come pretty far with this whole guy thing and I'm pretty proud of myself.

It's just me myself and I, and I'm okay with that.